letting go > giving up.
letting go > giving up.
the 14th dalai lama once said, “in order to carry a positive action, we must develop here a positive vision.” this year has clearly been filled with more positivity than i could have hope for. at this moment, i carry with me fond memories of cinematic moments, and i revel in the everglow of great victories at school, work, fitness, and most importantly, with my family and friends. however, this year has also been filled with much distress and anguish, especially in the past 4 weeks. no details need to be shared here about the source of my lamentation, but it has been difficult and burdensome to grieve through it. i endure intermittent, but significant, episodes of loneliness, sadness, hurt, and loss. i have been most blessed to have the support of my loved ones and the opportunity to build myself back up again through workouts, patient care, schoolwork, fellowship, and adventure. i have known for quite some time that true grieving leads to abundant living…and i still hold true to those words. i am allowing myself to remain open —-> to feel down, to rise up, to bear the weight of such a failure, and to reminisce and cherish the graces and wins of the past. in my vulnerability, i shall continue to be hopeful. i will remain confident in this…i will see the goodness of the Lord. i commit myself to not being spiteful, angry, resentful, or bitter. it is time to explore, find, and cultivate the blessings that can come from loss and to live through negativity to have acceptance over what has happened. i know what i need, want, and deserve, and i need to strive even harder to achieve it. i need to work on myself and refocus my energies towards more positive endeavors. this is all far from over, but it is time to float on, to heal, and to thrive once again.
upward and forward - jl
well, maybe you’re a crook for stealing my heart away.
well, maybe you’re a crook for not caring for it.
yeah, maybe you’re a bad, bad, bad, bad person.
well, baby…i know.
and those fingertips
will never run through my skin.
and my dark brown eyes
can only meet yours across the room filled with people
that are less important than me.
all because i love, love love
when i know you can’t love.
i love, love, love
when i know you can’t love me.
so i think it’s best that we both forget before we dwell on it - jl
on late nights like these, during stressful times at work, crossfit, and school, whenever i feel burned out and weak, and for all the occasions that i just want to give up and stop fighting…
i remember that i’m only a year and a half away from my RN.
seems like a far distance, but time goes by quickly.
there will be much suffering, stress, and sacrifice to come,
but i want to be a college graduate, i want to graduate from the school i should have gone to straight out of high school, i want to finally be an RN.
this semester has been my toughest yet, but i’m only 3 weeks away from summer vacation. i remember why i’m at the mount and i soldier on.
i love crossfit. i still have a lot to work on and improve upon, but i am stronger than i was before it. doing it has become one of the best decisions of my life, and while consistency has been my biggest issue, i still come back because every session counts. every workout counts, every minute of it. the past 4 months have been the most productive time of my membership at crossfit riot, and i will continue to keep doing work because i want to be stronger, i want to be more fit, and i want to express the graces of crossfit more fully in the other parts of my life. laziness and doubt will always be around as obstacles, but i only grow more certain that crossfit is for me.
i work because i love what i do. no matter how annoying patients and their families can get, no matter how long i take doing something, or how dirty or uncomfortable things get, i love being a nurse. i remember my life before nursing, and how i’m living, no matter how imperfect, stressful, or exhausting, is so much better than my past. when i work as a nurse, i not only express my education, skills, and experience…i display the sacrifices and love of my parents, and i show the worth of my soul and the meaning of my life with everything i do as a nurse. being a nurse is a gift from God, and i will not let it go to waste.
and so i hold on to my stethoscope, put on my backpack, and wear my workout shoes…because i will not quit, i will not stop, and i will continue to win.
boom - jl
i lose myself at night.
from the outside,
everybody must be wondering why i try…
in my wildest moments,
i can be the greatest, i can be the worst of all.
even in my wildest moments, i’m on it because it’s worth it…
practice makes perfect…
so i’m fighting for a purpose.
inspiration in the middle of the night for the struggles now
and the challenges to come - jl
i don’t need to be smart to know you’re amazing.
and without faith, i’ll still believe you’re a blessing.
i’m sure you love me even if i don’t have proof.
a fear of heights couldn’t stop me from falling for you.
you’re the reason why i’ve stopped searching for love.
and if i couldn’t count, i’ll still know you’re the only one.
distance is nothing when you’re in my heart.
i don’t need sight to see how beautiful you are.
i could show how much you mean to me without words.
no disaster can keeps us from being together.
to stop our feelings there’s nothing anyone can do.
if i was selfish, i’d still share my love with you.
sadness can’t bring me down when you’re on my mind.
i don’t need wings because your love makes me fly.
there’s no obstacle that we can’t rise above.
we’ll overcome any challenge in the course of our love.
when problems try to keep me from loving you,
our love will always find a way through.
it’s been about 18 days since my last school day of the year. since then, i’ve been living extremely well. reckless food adventures, epic shopping trips, unrestricted time with family and friends, a very blessed retreat, and so forth. the past couple of months have been very challenging, balancing school, work, volunteering, and crossfit. i wasn’t perfect and i didn’t achieve the victory i expected, but 4 A’s and 2 B’s, an expanding census of patients, a maturing faith, and being stronger than ever before is most definitely a victory i can live with, be blessed by, and be thankful for. it’s been the kind of advent season i’ve needed…a time of peace and comfort, days spent investing in myself and others and how that all relates back to God. i am ready to celebrate once again the presence of God in my life and how he chooses to make Himself known to me in every aspect of my life. i glorify Jesus Christ with my joys and sufferings, wins and losses, strengths and weaknesses. if Christmas is Christ’s Mass and mass essentially means “mission” from “masa,” then i am reminded tonight and every day of the Christmas season and the rest of my life of my mission that st. hilary of poitiers so beautifully describes…
“i am well aware, Almighty God and Father, that in my life i owe you a most particular duty. it is to make my every thought and word speak of you.”
allow God to reign in everything.
allow yourself to see God and experience God in everything.
gratitude for everything, grace for everything.
have a very blessed and very merry Christmas, everyone.
cheers to you, cheers to me, cheers to Jesus Christ,
cheers to this victory that is the foundation for all our victories.
Salud - jl